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February 10th Film Releases

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Um. Hello? Hello? Anybody there? Anyone who didn't think seeing When a Stranger Calls was a good idea last weekend? Anyone with half a brain? I'm only asking for half? Anyone who is completely turned off by the releases this weekend and logging onto Netflix?

Hello? Doesn't anybody give a damn that there aren't ANY good movies to see this weekend?!!!!

1) Brokeback Mountain (for those of you not in fear of losing your heterosexuality, it was wonderful)
2) Walk the Line (I shouldn't have to explain this)
3) Underworld: Evolution (I'm still a sucker for chicks who kick ass)

Yes, I know they're not new. That's the point. I have to go cry now.

February 3rd Film Releases

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Okay, I admit I haven't done this in a while, and now I'll say I'm sorry. See, not so hard. Now it's your turn.

What do you mean you didn't do anything wrong? That's just rubbish. Oh well, I forgive you regardless and give you my top three.

1) Good Night and Good Luck
2) The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada
3) Something New

There. I feel so much better now, don't you?

November 4th Film Releases

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I'm very disappointed in you, movie going audience. I know I've been neglectful and that last weekend was Halloween, but that is no excuse for making Saw 2 the #1 movie in America. That is just plain wrong. Especially when revival houses all over the city were offering some fantastic alternatives. Heck, the New Beverly was doing a double feature of Lost Boys and Land of the Dead. Wouldn't that have been the perfect movie set for a Halloween weekend?

Why do you torture me like this? Please, end the cycle and stop seeing bad movies. Good cinema begins at home.

1) Jarhead
2) The Dying Gaul
3) Chicken Little

October 14th Film Releases

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Okay, I'm not sure what happened here, but somehow the Hollywood studio system has blessed us with an event rarely seen in theaters these days - options. Ladies and gentlemen we have several good movies to choose from in theaters this week, and I'm not just talking about the new releases. There are a few movies I didn't get a chance to skewer that are worth seeing.

1) Domino
2) Elizabethtown
3) Good Night, and Good Luck

But don’t forget Wallace and Gromit, Flightplan, Capote, Corpse Bride, A History of Violence, and Serenity.

September 9th Film Releases

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Summer is over and the dry spell has hit. You may as well just keep those NetFlix DVDs coming until next week, when we have some real options.

1) Green Street Hooligans
2) The Exorcism of Emily Rose

I want to give you a third pick, but I've got nothing.

August 25th Film Releases

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Happy Friday! I am in dreadful need of a full night's uninterrupted rest, a square of dark Venezuelan chocolate, a blood donor technician who can actually hit my vein, and a hairdresser who can fill in my roots and cut my hair for under $80; but you my readers, you get my picks.

1) The Brothers Grimm
2) The Alzheimer Affair

I finally saw Wedding Crashers this week and it was hysterical. I haven't laughed that hard during a movie in ages.

3) Wedding Crashers

August 12th Film Releases

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I know I've been neglecting you, my readers, and I'm sorry, but I have really good reasons. Really. Don't give me that look. Hey! I said I was sorry. I started a new job, I moved, I moved into a place that didn't have an internet connection, I had dates (no, that plural is not a typo), and I was a bit neglectful.
There I said it. I was hindered my circumstances beyond my control AND I was neglectful. Now don't you start with me. What else do you want?!

Oh... you want my picks. Well why didn't you say so? Making me feel guilty. You're just like my mother.

1) Asylum
2) The Great Raid
3) Pretty Persuasion

June 3rd Film Releases

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A miracle has occurred and I'm not sure whom to blame. There is only one bad movie in this week's lot. Where am I supposed to get comedic material when the studios almost fail to disappoint me? At least I can still say almost.

1) Lords of Dogtown
2) Cinderella Man
3) Rock School

May 27th Film Releases

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The good thing about last week being over, is that I don't have to listen to a bunch of social outcasts b*tch and moan about how The Great Swollen One has ruined the trilogy that shaped their adolescence. Over. Done with. It still hit number one at the box office no matter how many people felt betrayed by a terrible script and poor acting, they came back for more. They always do. It's what I like to call Movie Masochism.
This is also why JLo movies continue to be a draw. People enjoy self-torture.

1) Saving Face
2) Madagascar
3) Bomb the System

May 13th Film Releases

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It is Friday the Thirteenth and I can't think of anything more frightful than another JLo movie. If it were my spawn hell bent on marrying that twat, I'd turn into a vindictive bitch too. This is totally justifiable. I don't know why the Jane Fonda character is coming off like the bad guy.

1) Layer Cake
2) Unleashed
3) Mad Hot Ballroom

April 22nd Film Releases

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Happy early birthday Ms. Jen!! There is absolutely nothing opening this weekend that I suggest you see, but I still say you try to catch Millions before it heads to video. Hit up Serious Dave for a pass, grab an Icee and sneak in a bag of Puffins. Enjoy your weekend Missy!

1) The Game of Their Lives
2) The Interpreter
3) Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room

April 8th Film Releases

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Another Friday, another weekend. What will you be doing? Going to see Von Iva at Alex's? You lucky dog. I'll have to catch them on their next trip through town.
Me? I'll be baby-sitting a bride-to-be and making sure that nothing resembling her bachelorette party occurs. Don't worry. We'll be in the Valley. What's that worst that can happen?

1) Kung Fu Hustle
2) Winter Solstice
3) Fever Pitch