Happy New Year my readers! Did you all make resolutions? I only made one:
To strive for greater things and to stop settling for less than what I deserve.
Then I saw what was being released this week and realized just how difficult keeping my resolution would be. Bleak. Yes my children "bleak" is the only word I can use to describe our options this week. So here's my top three:
If you think they sound familiar, it‚àö‚â†s because all the new movies suck.
The movie studios had their communal orgasm of good movies, rolled over, and went to sleep. What about me?! I'm not finished yet! I want to be held! Is that so wrong?
Well kids, break out the proverbial vibrator (Blockbuster and your DVD player) and take care of business yourself, because he ain't waking up until next winter.
Mandy Moore plays the daughter of an overprotective president who ditches her Secret Service entourage and hitches a ride with a handsome stranger who just happens to be a member of the same club as James Bond.
Quite frankly, I think a reality series featuring the Bush daughters and the Gore girls would be a lot more interesting. Go rent Girls Just Want to Have Fun and go home happy.
My Baby's Daddy
As though Mandy Moore wasn't bad enough, it gets worse. Three bachelors just happen to get their girlfriends' pregnant at the same time. What are the odds? No one has an abortion, or gives the baby up for adoption, or skips out on the child support. Again, what are the odds? It‚àö‚â†s supposed to be a comedy, but I prefer to consider it a fantasy/horror story.
Rent Parenthood and save yourself $5.
Big Fish (Wide Release)
A son puts together a compellation of his father's tall tales to tell the story of his life. I saw it. It‚àö‚â†s fun. Go see it if you want something good that doesn't make you want to cry.
21 Grams (Wide Release)
But if you do want to see something to get the tears flowing, then this is the movie for you. I hear there's enough weeping in this movie to make Tammy Fae Baker want to use waterproof mascara.
This is a good solid Oscar candidate and worth my $10.
Monster (Wide Release)
If you're a guy, you'll cry the moment you see what Charlize Theron did to her body to prepare for this role. She plays a highway hooker who tries to clean up her act, but just can't seem to stop killing men. Does Nicotrol make a patch for that?
Girl With A Pearl Earring (Wide Release)
If you have any appreciation for art and even the slightest idea of who Vermeer is, then go see this movie. Its visually stunning, but the story is weak. It just goes to show that you can't have everything.
Aileen: Life and Death of a Serial Killer
This is an unrated documentary of the serial killer who Monster is based off of. I think I'll skip this and see the Hollywood version instead.
A reclusive Turkish photographer lets a relative stay in her apartment while he's looking for a job. He brings her out of her shell.
What language do they speak in Turkey anyway? Turkish? It has subtitles so the illiterate will find it unpleasant, while the literate may not find it much better.
Battle for Algiers
Oh joy! A movie that's filmed like a documentary chronicling the French foreign legion's attempt to liberate Algeria in the 1950's. I'll give away the ending so you don't have to see it - They fail.
I think I need to say somehting about doom and repeating history, but I hate to be cliche.